Skip navigation

Tag Archives: mental break down

Photobucket

.                                                                                      Photobucket

.                       Photobucket                              Photobucket

.

.

I keep wondering if I deserve the terrible life I’ve had.  I think I’ve been a good person, all things considered.  I’m not saying I am flawless.  I have been remembering my childhood ~~ now that I have time to ~~ all the things I had to “forget” in order to survive (like, witnessing my father do something horrific and my having to pretend it didn’t happen, so he would not ~~ I dare say ~~ kill me).  I promised myself, someday, I would take the time to remember.  

.                                                                       Photobucket

I live in a breaking-down mobile home with no (working) air conditioning.  I actually consider that a blessing, since I can’t afford to run it.  I have had no (working) stove for years — if food can’t be cooked in a toaster oven, I don’t buy it.  My car stalls.  I think it’s the spark plugs.  (The “check engine” light has been on for most of 7 years.  Back when it first came on, I had the problem checked ~~ “spark plug #1” showed up on the electronic diagnosis gadget.  I guess it’s finally giving out.)  The weeds in the yard are getting as tall as me.  I have never had a lawn mower (in the 8 years I’ve lived in a house with a yard).  I’ve been using a weed trimmer to “mow”.  That finally broke.  The part I need is cheap, but I can’t force myself to press the button to find out how much it’s going to cost to ship.  (Have you ever needed a $2 part and had to pay $7.95 to get it shipped?  Ugh!)  A few days ago, I replaced the vacuum cleaner – again.  This one may have set a record for lasting… Did it really last over a year?  I worry, every time I do laundry, that the spin cycle will shake this mobile home right off its block foundation.  I can see a corner block crumbling.  I can’t see most of the blocks.  What do I do if it does collapse?  I have no insurance.  The roof leaks ~~ it’s small and the least of my problems right now.  Possums have torn up the air ducts under the house, so, even if I get the air conditioner to work, I will need to get duct work done to use it.  I pray, every day, that God protects this house from all disasters ~~ including fire ~~ because some ceiling lights and wall electrical outlets have stopped working.  Mobile homes are notorious for fires due to faulty wiring.  My car’s air conditioner and windshield wipers haven’t worked in years.  I actually have to check weather reports before going to get groceries.  And, with the engine situation now, I’m afraid to get groceries — I’m afraid my car won’t start & I’ll be stuck with no (affordable) help and melting groceries.  There are more problems, of course, but why go on?    

.

I continue to ask myself why people don’t just help each other and stop this economic nonsense. 

.

Photobucket

.

I try to fix everything myself ~~ to save money and because I don’t trust repair people.  (One mechanic told me it would cost $210-220 ~~ plus parts! ~~ for replace that “spark plug #1” because the whole engine had to be lifted out of the car to get to it.  Is that right?  The research I’ve done, this past week, said replacing spark plugs isn’t difficult, but removing a part (I forget the name) would make them easier to get to.  None of the research (though limited) mentioned having to remove the engine.)  Right now, I can’t afford the parts, even if I researched “how-to” and made all these repairs myself.  And, I am very sick (with lupus) ~~ finding the strength of mind and body is so difficult.  

.                                                                               Photobucket

So, why do I deserve this?  I guess I don’t think I do…. but, here I am.  I don’t think anyone should live like this.  More later.  I need to turn off my computer before it melts.     

.

This has been very hard sharing my personal hell with you…. but I’m breaking down, too.

.

.        Photobucket                                                                        Photobucket

Photobucket

.                                                                                             

.                    Photobucket

                                                                  Photobucket

Advertisements